Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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