so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
