I think I just saw someone hide a body.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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