I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
