Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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