I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Randomize
