i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
