If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
