Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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