she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
