how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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