Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Randomize
