I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
