i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This house was built for laser tag.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
