he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
