Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
