I met the friendliest cop last night
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
