I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
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