God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I will be naked everywhere
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
