I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
