We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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