I met the friendliest cop last night
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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