you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He shit in the fireplace
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
