Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
