No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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