oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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