I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
