He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
