Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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