Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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