Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
