Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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