Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
