why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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