it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
