If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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