What did we do last night that was yellow?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize