I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I understand Curling. That high.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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