i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
