Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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