We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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