Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
