All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize