I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
