happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
