i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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