I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
