I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
