His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
