I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
