I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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