I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
