I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize