I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dicks are not precious.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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