I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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