ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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