What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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