We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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