Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
