someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
