fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
