Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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