he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
