She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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