At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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