new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize