Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Randomize
