Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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