I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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