I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
